There's No Place Like Home 

When I am in a pain flare up it is not at all uncommon for me to hibernate at home alone.  for some reason it is easier to manage and escape from pain when I am not with others and having to talk or try to pretend it is not as bad as it is.  there is something about the comforts of home when you are sick and just don't feel well.  I am not usual sick from pain but the effects of being in a high level of pain are the same.  It is an automatic subconscious response to pain.  Get HOME, lie down, medicate, get my icepack, and tune out as best I can with a bingeworthy show.  I want My pillow, My couch or bed, My icepack, and whatever else I am used to that helps me cope.  My family is very aware of how bad TN flare ups are and they are more than gracious and supportive.  However, there is still so much that I am unable to express when attacks continue to be so frequent.  I have become quite good at disguising my pain.  when I am at one of my children's or parent's homes, very often attacks come up out of nowhere.  It may be quite a while before I let anyone know it is happening.  In the early days I would have been crying or even hollering because it is so unbearable.  My brain has learned to press down the emotions so much, but inside it is screaming that i need to GET HOME!  When I am visiting one of them in a different town it is not that easy to do.  I don't want my grandchildren to see or hear me and scare them.  I don't want them to think that I don't want to play with them.  therefore, I do my best to keep it to myself.  I might have to go into the bathroom for a while to keep anyone from seeing me crying and to wait for an attack to end.  But even when the severe attack gradually stops, my thought is, "I want to go Home!"  I don't want to actually say that to my family because I know they don't GET that.  They seem to take it personally and will tell me that I can lie down, and I should feel at home there.  As much as I love my family, and do feel comfortable there, waning to go home s still the feeling that comes with attacks and flare ups.  

Being at their home and being down in pain makes me feel guilty, lazy, weak, and ashamed.  I got used to hiding my pain and riding out the storm alone.  when I am at my children's home, I feel the need to push harder, try to get out more, try to be busy, or accomplish Something.  I see them overwhelmed with work and kids and Life, and I want to be helpful and supportive to them.  I seldom say aloud the words, "I want to go Home."  Even though I know how much they love me and that they do their best to understand, I feel like I hurt them to seem ungrateful for their invitation to be there.  

I have battled this demon of TN so long that I know they tire of hearing about it.  I guess trying not to complain is another aspect of wanting to go home.  The worst part is that earlier this year, my financial misfortune forced me to have to move in with family.  I love them for so graciously opening their home to me.  However, now I am not ever able to go HOME and be alone in my pain.  I wish I didn't feel this way.  I love all of my family so much.  But I cannot escape this feeling of, "I want to go home."  I don't know if this is normal for other battling pain or is it just me.