"Preserve your memories, keep them well. What you forget you can never retell."
Louisa May Alcott
For many years I have written journals. While I was recently moving items out of storage, I was surprised to realize there were 4 large boxes each labeled, "Kim's Journals." How did I have so many and why was I saving them? It all started over 30 years ago. I was going to a marriage and family counselor as I was dealing with a very serious issue in my marriage and with my young baby. The counselor recommended that I start journaling to sort out my thoughts. I didn't understand how that would be beneficial in any way. Once I realized that no one was ever going to see them but me, I gave it a shot.
While beginning this process, I met a young mother at my church Bible study. She shared with me how she had gone through something very similar with one of her children, and she invited me to her home for coffee. As she opened herself up to me, she could tell that I did not quite get the depth of despair that she too had felt while walking a similar journey. She soon said, " I want to show you something that I have never shown Anyone before." she left the room and returned with a large spiral notebook. She told me to take it home and read it over the next week and then get back to her. So, I took it home and the next day I could not put it down. As I read her words, I could have sworn she was inside my home and even in my head! Her emotions were so raw, and her words portrayed such a wounded spirit that it was heartbreaking. As she dared to speak of her fears, anger, and even doubting God, I Knew this woman KNEW what I was going through. She knew my Heart, and she felt my Pian, and she felt my defeat as a wife and mother. Words that as a Christian we are taught, we should never feel much less ever express.
The next week I took her notebook back to her, and I fell into her arms and wept. I didn't have to say a word. She KNEW me! After a while we st and talked and I felt a newfound freedom to be real and vulnerable with someone. Her journal showed me her heart and her honest paid and suffering. Suddenly I was not so alone. She encouraged me to start the journaling process for myself. She never planned to show her journals to another soul. However, she realized that her present day spoken words did not mean that much to me. he knew that I needed to See and Hear from the broken woman she had been on her own journey years before. Her journal created a bond between us that has kept her one of my closest friends to this day.
Journaling hashleped me thrugh many dark and joyous times. I have hoped that maybe one day God might use my journals to help someone as much as hers helped me. I am happy to say that God has used me in that way a couple of times in the past. To just tell someone ,"OH yeah, I went through that myself several years ago and it was awful," does not actually help the other person other than feeling some empathy. But we tend to think they could not possibly have gone through something so challenging or had such doubts or feared for their life, or wanted to give up, like I am. To be able to truly SHOW them what you felt on those actual days is a whole different type of ministry.
"When I was struck with the most excruciating pain that I soon learned was incurable, I began writing about it. Walking through the battle of trigeminal neuralgia rocked my faith and my marriage like nothing I could have ever imagined. so many of the thoughts and fears in those early years are very hard for me to read through now. thoughts that seem very far from what any Christian should be able to believe. But, they were real and they were mine.
As I've looked briefly at old entries and read the dates that I posted at the top, I often had many days between writings. Most often, the last days entries before the break, my handwriting would be unledgible. That was a sign that the pain was extremely bad and about to get worse. It often appeared to me as if someone else had written it. sometimes I had no memory of even writing it. On the blank dates in between, I was typically in so much pain that i was either curled into a fetal position sobbing on the sofa or hopefully knocked out with prescriptions to excape the torture. I often wish I had been able to at least write a number or draw all in black, something to demonstrate that days experience.
Several years ago when I was suffering at my worst, I search the internet for someone blogging about their personal journey with TN. I eventuallly found one woman who sared my experiences. I was so dishearted that her post stated that she was taking down her blog because she had been cured for sometime and felt she could no longer be a person to offer support. I was so dishearted. I vowed that one day I would share my story and be there for anyone that could find me and that I could encourage. I am thankful to see that now that are quite a few people blogging about it now. We have to be there to support one another.I have seen some people on those blogs, comment asking if they had any post from their early diagnosis days. I know the reason they are asking this is most likely because the writer seems to be doing great and they are curious if they ever suffered to the degree that they are. That is Why I want to go back and open up my journals to you so that you can Hear my oice when i WAS exactly where you may be finding yourself today. I have walked through many seasons where I've been scared out of my mind, suffering to a degreee I never knew existed. I was even wondering where god was in the middle of the nightmare that would not end.
I challenge you to get a notebook and even if it is just one word write in it every day you can. Write the good, the ba, and the ugly. If you are a caregiver reading this, buy a notebook to help them get started. Then come along with me as I begin to dive into my journals of the past 12 years letting you look behind the curtain of my journey with TN. If I can help you in any way as you walk your own journey, do not hesitat to contact me. I am Not a physician and have no mdeical degree of any kind. I can only offer advice from my personal experiences.
"You must remember that your story matters. What you write has the power to save a life. Sometimes that life is you own."
Stalina Goodwin
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