"There's a demon lodged in my face, jaw, and neck today! It has been there for weeks now but the past several days it will not release or be quieted by anything."
This might sound like a horrific way to describe pain. However, THIS type of pain Is that horrifying! Following my microvascular decompression (brain)surgery, my type 1 trigeminal neuralgia, developed into type 2 as well. My electrifying shocks became less over a couple of years following the surgery, but constant boring burning pain persisted. I was sent to a new neurologist, and I felt certain that when I described what I was experiencing he would only refer me to a psychiatrist. I described that instead of shocks, I was feeling something a keen to an icepick jammed into my jaw, a vice grip clamp, scalding, burning pain, and as if someone with long jagged fingernails had sunk into my jaw and would not let go!
I was surprised when he gently put his hand on my shoulder and said, "My poor girl! You have The Devil's Claw!"
Did he offer hope? Yes! He gave me a steroid shot as well as a steroid pack to take for the week as well as some other medication changes. Just hearing such an empathy and such understanding gave me so much hope.
Today is one of those days that "The Devil's claw" brings me to constant tears. I typically know the moment I awaken, that it is there and it is set in for at least the entire day if not weeks. Realizing that I cannot push through the pain or try harder or adjust my medications and keep going to do something of value today. I am stuck, feeling like its prisoner trapped under its spell. Nothing particular happened. I did not DO something that I know will bring on an attack. The past two days I have been shook awake early in the morning feeling its grip so strongly that I gasp from the pain before my eyes have even opened. This is not a type 1 attack that IS an electrifying pain that passes in a few minutes. I never know how long it will have its hold on me. It is very debilitating when all I can do is survive the day.
I know that it is only by God's grace that I am where I am today even if all I can do is hang on until this episode lets up. I Know God's promises to never leave or forsake me. I am thankful that when I can only see one set of footprints in the sand, that those belong to my Lord as he carries me through this storm! I will cling to his promises as I continue to fight the battle.
Jeremiah 29:11 " For I now the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope."
How hard it is to hear the disappointment in a friend or loved one's voice when I have to let them know that I cannot make it to something. When they ask, " are you Sure you can't?" I feel so much guilt and sadness to miss out once again. but it like asking me why I can't push through and get myself together and get out of the house and carry out today's plans even though I just had all my wisdom teeth extracted without any sedative or pain medications. No one expects that person to feel up to attending or accomplishing anything.
I no longer talk much about how I am feeling. It feels like such old news, and I feel like I must sound like a mouthful of excuses. so, I tend just to isolate and hide my pain until the worst of the storm passes.
To be honest, I thought that God would have delivered me out of this storm by now. I AM thankful that I do have some good days. I have learned how to survive and ride out the storms taking a lot less medication and rare ER visits that would give immediate relief with IV pain medication. If YOU are Not doing well, please don't hesitate to go to the ER! I have found the staff to be much more familiar with TN now and know how to get you out of pain. Don't try to do what you CANNOT do because you are in too much pain.
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